Government & Politics

We’ll have to find another way to burn the Vikings tonight

Inspired by WhoDat mania and current events, I decided that today was the day to begin a new tradition. I’m calling it “Burn a Viking at the Stake Day.” My plan was to go to a nearby Capital One bank and grab one of those dirty Vikings they have on their commercials and burn him to death on a post out in the parking lot. (If I couldn’t find anyone who was clearly a Viking, I’d just grab the closest approximation. You know the type: swarthy, suspicious, smells weird.)  I viewed this event as a sort of “warm up” before game time; a “rally with a purpose” sort of thing. After all, today is Saints versus Vikings. It’s tantamount to war. If that motherviking Favre guy makes it to the fourth quarter with more than three attached limbs, I swear I’ll go berserk.

Sure, there was some initial resistance to my idea, especially from skeptics who dismissed me as a lone kook. Several politically correct types thought burning a Viking at the stake was going too far. But I never dreamed Saints Coach Payton would pipe up and say my actions would embolden the enemy. Even City Council member Stacy Head told me to “stand down!”  But they couldn’t lessen my determination. While I acknowledge that incinerating another human being is a bold move, and not every Saints fan has the requisite level of bloodlust to enjoy such a spectacle, I’d like to remind everyone that this is a Statement Game – and we live in Saints Country. Ya heard me? And it’s not like Vikings won’t all burn in hell, anyway.

Plus, don’t you think they’d do the same thing in Minnesota? You betcha. Can’t you just see the Gortex mobs out in the streets of Duluth, chanting their pagan fight songs, cowardly hiding their faces with scarves as they torch a Saint on a stick? And yet politically correct New Orleans sleepwalks along, tolerating local banks that promote –  nay, celebrate! – Vikings who are handling our money and who want to be “in our wallets.” Now these same Vikings are supporting the purple troublemakers who have invaded our city and want to prevail upon our heroes. Alarm bells, anyone?

Let’s call this what it is: a battle of civilizations. It’s time we take our city back.

So I was all set to lead a mob to the local Capital One sleeper cell and grab the nearest Viking lookalike, tie him to a post and set him on fire. But at the last minute Richard informed me that the barbarians shown in Capital One commercials are actually Visigoths, not Vikings. I asked, “What’s the difference? They both dress funny and neither believe in the same God I do.” Richard told me it was more complicated than that, and advised me to do a little more research rather than judge a book by its cover. Finally, I relented.

Since it’s too late organize another rally, I regret to inform everyone that “Burn a Viking at the Stake Day” has been cancelled. This year, anyway.

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  • LMAO! Love it!

  • Great piece as usual, Bog Mollusky.
    Wow. We’d began to wonder what happened to The Lens.
    I’ll have to go check out this disturbingly banal new article on some freaking advert regarding jail expansion. If y’all want to cover the OPP then cover it. It needs covering. It is a Jail Machine.

    Here’s an idea for a story: why don’t y’all get back to doing stories?
    Forward this to your editors: WTF?

  • Glad the Capitol One goons are Visigoths, not Vikings. Otherwise, I’d have to refudiate their ATM at One Shell Square. Too raw, too real. A stab in the heart with a giant push pin.

    I hear they build ATMs and branch locations to celebrate their conquests. Then they force us to wait in line as a gesture of humility and supplication.

  • Michael… that was perfect. Hahahahahaha

  • Ceshmo

    Your idea to burn a Viking/Visigoth might scare Minnesotans, but what about Floridians and their “Braveheart” preachers?